Puns

[wolfe]

This one is for Georgia Tech.

"It seems that George II of England was having difficulty collecting taxes, especially from the provinces. So he figured he's take one of those old English torture racks, put it on wheels, and have horses pull it out to the provinces as a warning. But the rack was too heavy for horses to pull, so an elephant was provided. Of course, the elephant had to be escorted by a special keeper.

"As the strange vehicle moved through the streets of London, one peasant asked another, 'What on earth is that?'"

"'Don't you know?' the other replied. 'That's a ramblin' rack for George's tax and an elephant engineer.'"

[wolfe]

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"My God, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree !!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right" says Pepe, "Praise the Lord!"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to! within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe, Pepe - what happened?"....
With his dying breath Pepe calls out ... ."Ugh, run , run ! .. it wasn't a Bacon Tree it was a........Ham Bush."

[wolfe]

Why was the man arrested for waiting in the Big Top?
He was loitering within tent

[wolfe]

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!

[wolfe]

Research has shown that overweight computer programmers are especially susceptible to the flu, that is, the burly nerd gets the germ.

[wolfe]

I think this is a repeat of an earlier post. But the last line is a new addition.


A man was badly injured in a car accident.
The entire left half of his body was torn off.
He was taken to the hospital and examined.
The doctors said he was all right.
The nurses said there wasn't much left.

[wolfe]

Woman to Butcher: "Those sausages you sold me were meat in the middle, and cornmeal at each end!"
Butcher: "Yes, ma'am. In these hard times, it's difficult to make both ends meat."

[wolfe]

Did you hear about the marketplace where everything cost twelve and a half cents?
It was a bit bazaar.

[wolfe]

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

[wolfe]

A man goes to his psychiatrist and explains that on Monday through Thursday he feels like a TeePee and on Friday through Sunday he feels like a Wigwam.
The psychiatrist explains, "Your problem is obvious, you're two tents."